I have really been feeling bad lately because of my lack of patience with E. I already don’t consider myself the most patient person, but add a 2 year old to the mix and OHMYGOODNESS sometimes this is not a pretty picture!!
I know that I am not a bad mother, but I recognize my tendency to snap at her or rush her too much and there is no telling how many sighs come from my mouth throughout the day. This is completely normal I know! And, I believe that most mothers have felt this same conviction.
I often wonder how much I am disappointing my heavenly Father every time I raise my voice, every time I roll my eyes, every time I make sounds like “ugghhh!!” I mean, she isn’t MINE after all. She belongs to Him and He has just blessed our lives with her while we are on this earth. The Lord has entrusted us with the care of His child, His daughter.
Just the other day, she began to throw a fit over something ridiculous, which is usually the case. This all transpired in front of my grandmother, which – in her old age – doesn’t really remember all of the times she spanked me and scolded me. I was a red-headed little fire ball, which according to my parents, was full of a temper…shhh don’t believe it!!
I was getting onto her for acting the way that she was and put her "on the wall", which is our form of time out. "Spare the rod and spoil the child." I do believe in spanking, but I don't feel that every single situation merits a spanking. We believe in a good mixture of both. So, while she is sitting on the wall, she is crying for "mamaw" (my grandmother) to "help me" and my response is, "Nuh uh, Mamaw can't help you. Don't cry for her." Mamaw is saying, "Come 'ere dollbaby, sit with Mamaw." People: her mother had just put her in timeout!
So, I say, "Oh no way! She is in timeout until I say it's over. Mamaw, don't you baby her right now."
I am the bad guy once again!! (smile)
A couple minutes later, I ask E to apologize and it's over. My sweet little g-mother has the nerve to say, "You know, my sweet mama had 8 kids and never once raised her voice at any of them."
My response? "I'm not your mama! But, I don't curse at my child or beat her. I am a good mother...and things are different nowadays than they used to be."
I walk away from this situation, as well as many others, feeling like a horrible mother. I know that I am not, but am I good enough? Do I not live up to the mother that others thought I would be? Am I always going to be compared to my great-grandmothers, my grandmothers, and my mother? I could only hope to be half of the women that they were and are.
But, I am me. I may have different ways of loving my child. I may have different ways of teaching my child, punishing my child. Are there times that I raise my voice? Yes. Will there be times in the future that I raise my voice? That I sigh? That I roll my eyes? Lose patience? My answer is a BIG FAT Y.E.S.! I know that there will be plenty of times to come that I have to fall on my face and ask the Father's forgiveness for disappointing my child, and in turn, disappointing Him; that I have to pray for more patience, and in turn, be tested in it; that I compare myself to other mom's around or to my mama...only to remember that I am me.
I am made in His image, in the likeness of God.
Will my daughter keep testing my patience? Yes she will. Will she ever doubt our love for her? Absolutely not! I love her with every ounce of my being and so much more than this life itself! I may not be the "perfect" mom, who is? But, I am just the right mom for her because our relationship was chosen by the Creator Himself. He must know that I can handle this. In addition to feeling our love, she will never doubt for one second of her life the precious, unconditional, undying love of her Heavenly Father.
She will be raised in the Word of God and our prayers are that she will serve Him all the days of her life. I have confidence that this is what pleases my Lord. If I live out His Word in my life, then I will continue to become more of the mother that He wills for me to be...imperfections and all.
I pray that whoever reads this post will take it as it's meant to sound. I wanted to write this as an encouragement for all of you other mothers that daily feel the same way I do. Motherhood comes with daily, sometimes moment-by-moment, lessons in life. We shouldn't take it lightly. Our children are our teachers and we have been blessed with a scholarship to learn for the rest of our lives.
Lord, help me be the mother that you have created me to be for Your child. Help me to know that I will never be perfect and that you don't expect me to be. Continue to teach me life lessons through my faults and show me how to always love my child in the way that pleases You. In Jesus' name, Amen.
